She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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