I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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