I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
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I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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