He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
