Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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