There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
