god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
