I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
