yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
