i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
