the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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