When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
