Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
