fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Life is so much better after having sex.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
