My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
