new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
