Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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