the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
