My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
