my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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