true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
