my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
