Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
