So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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