like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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