You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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