True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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