i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
