i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
