I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
