My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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