My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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