my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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