you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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