apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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