Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
