Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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