it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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