I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
