No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
