Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
