His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
