Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
