wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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