Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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