youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
