Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My vagina just recognized that song.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
