I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
