guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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