One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
