I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
