so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
