Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm at about main and main street
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
