My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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