does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
