I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
