I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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