Your dad touched me again.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
